#1 Thou Shalt Not Touch the Tummy
I will show it off all I want, but your fingers and my tums better not make contact. The Leimomi-Person is allowed to kiss it, but no-one else is.
#2 Thou Wilt Be Slept With
If you take a nap in the house, I take a nap with you. At least for a little bit. No matter how exciting the other things going on are. That’s the rule.
#3 If Multiple Beds are Occupied I Sleep With the Leimomi-Person
Sometimes when the Leimomi-Person or the Man-Person is nice and warm and makes lots of annoying cough-y bark-y sounds the other one sleeps in the guest bedroom. The Leimomi-Person must be slept with, so I sleep with her no matter what bed she’s in.
#4 Guests Must Be Greeted
If you knock and stand outside the front door talking to the People you are not a guest. You are an Interloper and should be viewed with caution and suspicion from behind the safety of the Person. If you stand in the entry and talk with the Person you are a Visitor and should be inspected carefully, but not greeted. If you are asked into the lounge you are a Guest, and will be greeted with meeps and a demand to sniff you hand – preferably from a vantage point as near to your height as possible, like a couch arm or the coffee table.
#5 Thou Shalt Not Say ‘No’
The Leimomi-Person is very bad and is always breaking this rule. Particularly when I’ve found an especially nice pattern or bit of fabric to practice my scratching on.
#6 If it’s on the Floor, it’s Mine to Scratch
The Leimomi-Person does not understand this rule, and is always breaking Rule #5 in regards to it, particularly when a lovely Guest who I have properly greeted has set their lovely expensive leather handbag on the floor as an offering to The Claws.
#7 If Thou has been out of the House for more than Four Hours Thou Must Immediately Present The Lap
I have missed The Lap. I must make sure it is still there, and as good as I remember it.
#8 Thou Shalt Not Offer Me Any Fish but The Tuna
It doesn’t matter if it is fresh, tinned, or dried and flaked, I eats The Tuna. The Leimomi-Person has stopped eating all the fish, and while I don’t care about The Salmon or The Warehou or The Gurnard, I miss The Tuna.
#9 Thou Shalt Let Me Sniff-Inspect Thine Food
I don’t want to eat it, I just want to know what it is. Don’t make me have to climb up to where you are eating and pull your hand over in front of my nose with my paw, but I will if I have to.
#10 Food-Only Places are Forbidden. Sewing Places are Allowed
Sewing never goes on the kitchen benchtops, so I never go on the kitchen benchtops. Sometimes the Leimomi-Person puts sewing on the dining room table and the coffee table, so I go on the dining room table and the coffee table. The Leimomi-Person tried to break Rule #5 about this, but she’s given up.
#11 Thou Shalt Not Wear a Fluro Vest
Fluro safety vests are an abomination unto Felicity, and if I see a person in one I’ll hiss and spit at them. I’ve never told the Leimomi-Person why, but I have my reasons…
#12 Thou Shalt Not Play Animal Sounds from Thy Tappy Lap-Warming Machine
I know those meows and birdsongs aren’t real, and I’ll only give you my most withering look.
#13 The Bed Must be Entered from the Man-Person’s bedside table
It is the right and proper way. If you dump me off the bed on the Leimomi-Person’s side I’ll walk around, hop back up to the MP’s bedside table, back on to the bed from there.
#14 Bedtime is 10pm
Why do you naughty people keep staying up later, making me hang out in the hallway, reminding you with meeps, and herding you to bed? Just go to bed at the proper time!
And since it’s bedtime, I’ll end this here…