The Dreamstress

Last year instead of doing a ‘Rate the Dress’ the day after the Oscars, I did a round-up of the Oscars looks with my rating.

It’s quite fun for me to have a chance to rate things, and you seemed to enjoy it, and the informal vote on facebook was very much in favour of it, so I’m doing it again this year.

I have to say, while I liked a lot of this years Oscar’s dresses, there weren’t a lot of really interesting dresses. It was a dull and boring lot overall. But there were a few I can talk about.

First, my favourite dress of the night. Octavia Spencer looked amazing. Classic, glamourous, perfect for her figure and colouring. It couldn’t have been better. 10 out of 10.

If only Michelle William’s had taken a page from Octavia’s book and gone for simplicity. Instead, she took pages from everyone’s book. It’s like she got all excited about all the stuff she wanted, and couldn’t say no. “Orange! And backless, and a bustier, and a ruched bodice, and a long slim skirt, and ruffles, or a little ballerina tutu, or I could just have both! And then I’ll stick a bow on it.” So many of the elements are fabulous: the colour, the underskirt, even the overskirt a bit longer on its own. Even the bow, just not on that dress. 4.5 out of 10, because I really, really love that colour (it’s Tangerine Tango!) and the dress had so much possibility.

I should love Jessica Chastaine’s dress. I want to love her dress. The embroidery is just so, so amazing. It’s quite different than anything on the red carpet this year. Technically, it’s my kind of dress. And yet, it just leaves me cold. The cut isn’t quite right. The embroidery layout is just that bit off. And her colouring is just not quite light enough or dark enough for the striking gold on black. 5 out of 10, cause it would be amazing on someone else.

Melissa McCarthy’s dress does not look amazing on her. And would not look amazing on someone else. It’s so close to making her look amazing, and then it just completely misses the mark. It’s the colour: too close to flesh. And the way the gathers break the bodice up into two massive lumps. And the really frumpy sleeves. Oh Melissa, it’s so sad. Why couldn’t it be chocolate or ivory (yes, ivory) or peridot or scarlet, or the colour of my Jeanne Samary dress? That, and a few tweaks to the bodice and sleeves, and you would look fabulous. 3 out of 10, for so much potential, and so much disappointment.

You know whose dress I didn’t expect to love and do love? Kelly Osborne. It’s fabulous. Its beautiful and striking. The iridescent beading and those sleeves! I need to do something with those sleeves! I even love the grey-lavender hair. It feels like an 18th century nod. The one thing I don’t like is her new figure. She looks disproportionately skinny compared to her head. A fuller figure would flatter the dress more. 8 out of 10 cause I feel like I’ve given out too many high scores for this to be a 9 or a 10.

If you described Nancy O’Dell’s dress, you’d think it was awful. Emergency yellow and black? Bog-standard red carpet cut? And yet, it works. It’s gorgeous and flattering and clever and subversive, all without even looking like it is trying to be smart. It takes on all the glamour cliches with a wink and a nudge, and produces a dress that is so much more than the sum of its parts. 7 out of 10 because it is bright yellow and glittery black, and the hair and accessories left something to be desired somehow.

And then, on the other hand, we have Rooney Mara’s dress, which is trying to very, very hard to do what Nancy’s dress does effortlessly, and falling flat on its face. The problem is the effort. It’s just too obviously attempting to be glamourous and beautiful and quirky at the same time, and not really achieving any of them. Also, it has a sheer bust with stand-out nipple shields. And that is NOT a good thing. It also makes her look short and dumpy. 3.5 out of 10, because it’s not as bad as a dress with overhanging nipple shields should be.

Oh Missi Pyle, I don’t know who you are, but your dress…oh, your dress. There is NOTHING OK about your dress. It’s just wrong: wrong colour, wrong styling, wrong accessory, bad cliche draping and cut, just wrong. It’s ‘Barbie goes to the Oscars’ and Mattel have never been known for good taste. I know I’m not supposed to rate lower than a 1, but really, 0 out of 10 (OK, apparently it is ‘green’, which is good, but it would do a lot more for the green industry if it wasn’t hideous)

This year’s Oscars are just full of people I haven’t heard of. I’m just not up on the gossip anymore, and I’m glad of that. Anne-Sophie Bion is a mystery to me. I do like her dress though. It’s simple and elegant, with a clever, sexy quirk. I even like that you can see the strap that is holding the front to the back under the arm. I just wish the fabric didn’t look so much like a garbage bag. 6 out of 10 for the fabric.

And then, on the other hand, there is Maria Menounos’ dress. I was all set to like it when I saw the skirt (despite that colour being on my hate list, and the weird flesh coloured lining). But oh, that bodice! It’s just so desperate to show you how clever it is. How amazing the engineering. And so desperate to be sexy. Desperation isn’t clever and sexy. 1 out of 10.

One more favourite of the night. Emma Stone, that colour is fantastic on you. I love the red with red hair. That dress is fantastic on you. I love the massive bow and trailing skirt. It’s very 1930s. I’m in love. So much so, I’m giving another 10 out of 10.

You know who didn’t do red right? Jane Seymore. She’s still gorgeous. Her figure is still fabulous. And the dress is fabulous. But not on her. It’s mutton dressed as lamb. Rather than highlighting how gorgeous she is, it highlights her age, and that she has worked perhaps just a tad too hard to look young. In this dress, she isn’t aging gracefully. And even as a 20something, bright red wasn’t Jane’s colour. It’s just not good. Jane, go visit Bo Derek and check out what she wore for a lovely dress that will show off how amazing you still look. 2 out of 10.

And one-last not-a-favourite of the night. Sandra, oh Sandra. I see where you were going with this dress. I like the 1930s nod with the blouson cowl-back bodice. I like the embellishment. I like the black and ivory. It’s all very chic. The mistake is with the skirt. It’s too try-hard elegant/sexy/red carpet mermaid & train for the bodice. A straight skirt, maybe with a tiny puddle train, would have taken this out of the ordinary. Right now it just looks well…cheap. And the nude makeup and sleek ponytail aren’t helping with the ‘Real Housewives of ____’ effect. 4 out of 10.

And now, the boring-is-even-worse-than-bad brigade (though I will say that they are better than last-years crop of boring). So boring I can’t be bothered rating:

Penelope Cruz in ‘yes, I always wear the exact same dress’ boring:

Cameron Diaz in ‘bland and “but it looks like erupting zombie flesh so it can’t be boring!”‘ boring:

Busy Phillips (still don’t know who she is) in ‘last year my dress was hideous, now it’s tasteful and boring, but at least my accessories are still hideous and I haven’t learned to pose’ boring. I do like the paisley lace though:

Virginia Madsen in ‘no, getting it in the most obnoxious colour known to man does not make it not boring’ boring:

Ellie Kemper in ‘the colour is perfect, the fabric is to die for, and yet it is still boring’ boring:

Kristen Wigg in hideous and boring:

And Jennifer Lopez in ‘so overtly sexy it stops being titillating and just becomes boring’ boring. Also, that hairstyle must die:

And to finish off the post, a guy. Brett McKenzie, I can’t see much of what you were wearing, but this picture raises it to an automatic 10 out of 10.