It’s time for my usual break for Rate the Dress, where I take charge and Rate the Oscars.
I almost didn’t do it this year, because most of the dresses were so boring or awful, but after my impassioned defence of the importance of clothing last year, well…I kind have to.
I’m only rating women this year because I told myself I could only do this post if I could write it in under an hour, and so I needed to draw some parameters.
First off, the only dress that even came close to being a full 10/10 for me this year:
I know Amy Poehlers dress hasn’t gotten the best reviews elsewhere. I know it’s been called a muumuu. I still think it’s FABULOUS. There whole skin/exposure/sexy thing has been SO overdone for the last two years that the only way to really look interesting anymore is to not show any. This dress manages to skim her figure and show how good it is without being skin-tight, is fantastically bold and interesting without taking anything away from her face, and is such a breath of fresh air after the 18gazillion black, white, red, and maybe pastel-or-glitter dresses on the red carpet. Also, it looks comfortable. Plus, I doubt Amy knows this, but in traditional Chinese embroidery the flying beauties on her dress are not butterflies, but moths, and a moth covered dress is such a cool concept. Plus, though her dress seems short on peonies, in the same traditional embroidery the moth being attracted to the peony is about fertilization – i.e. just what you think it is. So, still totally over the top sex-y, just with a complete wink and nudge. FABULOUS
Ahem. I think I may need to move on.
9/10 for Isla Fisher’s interesting, flattering, well balanced, not-boring (by the standards of the night) dress. It would be twee but for the belt, and the belt manages to give it edge without clashing. I desperately want a few meters of that fabric!
Now this is where it gets hard, because…
There is no 8.
Just a sea of 5 and under superhero costumes, or the warped creations of their mutant enemies. Or the unattractive-yet-heroic mutant superhero outfits.
OK, maybe I’ll give Sandy Powell an 8 for totally embracing the theme of evil super-villan:
I mean. Look at her. Sandy Powell knows that the whole red carpet glamour thing is going to be ridiculous on her, and anyway, she’s a costume designer so she should just pick a persona and GO with it, and she clearly went with evil supper-villan-ess. I bet her suit is fireproof! I bet her hair actually lights on fire when she uses her powers! I bet she can fire laser-bolts from that ring! I bet her necklace can be thrown around the necks of her enemies and choke them of its own accord! You know she has no feet-just blocks to trample the unwary with. It’s so awful it wins an 8 for self-aware awfulness.
Powell’s henchmen include:
Lily Cole As Lin Tin Foil. Giver of mean papercuts, and able to make a sound that makes you long for fingernails on a chalkboard. Also, always out when you want her.
Lady Gaga as Lady Mel-Ted Plas-Tic. I’m pretty sure her super-power is being able to duplicate herself, but at the end of the day she has to melt down the duplicates, like that Dr Who episode. But she turns all the melted down duplicates into computer chargers and cases (I’m looking at you Apple) which slowly infect their users. Unfortunately, as she duplicates and melts herself her original body slowly begins to melt away, which explains the boob and bodice situation.
Heidi Klum as Saccharissa SugaRita Easter-Vomit. Her pastel-toned tentacles creep out and wrap you in sugary sweetness, slowly dissolving you until all that is left is a poisonous, sugary syrup.
Kate Winslet as Titanicia Oil-Spill. Her weakness is birds. Particularly waterbirds, like penguins, and cormorants. It explains a lot about her.
Reese Witherspoon as Bustee Basilisk Boobs. What’s behind those flaps of fabric with literally freeze the marrow in your bones.
Rooney Mara as the dis-Honourable Lacey Gentlee Wafting-Curtains. Having left the ELE, she’s now top henchman in Powell’s Awful Band of Awfulness. Her goal is to trade up in the Super-villain leagues, and every time she does, the diamond on her chest gets larger. Her goal is for it to get big enough that she can face Superman, and they can have a ‘whose-random-geometric-shape-shield is larger contest’.
Facing Sandy Powell and the Awful Band of Awfulness are a ragtag band of B-grade superheros and mutants, like:
Sunrise Coigney as a late 1990s Kung-Fu Wrestlemaster computer heroine brought to life in the real world. Technically, she should be able to subdue her foes with anatomically improbably head-high force-kicks, and super-special master-chops, but rendered in fabric and flesh her legs always get caught in her skirt and she spends more time trying to keep her bodice from falling off her shoulders. If she can’t win her next fight she will loose her Pixel-World Championship Lady Fighter Master-Grunt belt.
Kerry Washington as mutant Miss Universe Potato-Head. All of her body parts can be rearranged, but the never go back on quite-right, so her legs and head and torso all sit at improbably angles.
Daisy Ridley as the Incredible Accordion Girl. Her middle half fold up like an accordion, or stretches out when needed. She can go down stairs like a slinky.
Cate Blanchett as Wonder Crafter, the Goddess of the Glue Gun. Saccharissa Suga-Rita is her mortal enemy, but no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t glue down her frothy tentacles.
Priyanka Chopra as The Bride in Two Parts. Unsnap her belt and she comes apart at the waist so that both halves can crawl off to attack the enemy. It’s not the most efficient fighting strategy. She was supposed to be an inter-connected trilogy, so that her head, torso, and legs could all go off on their own, attached by her magical lining, which would allow her to swing the disconnected bits on long elastic lassoes of lining, to whack and catch the bad guys, but something went wrong with her lining-layer, and instead of stretching as intended it just bunches up at her midriff.
Jennifer Garner as Glamour Woman. No one is sure what her superpower is, but they all admit she has the best costume.
Naomi Watts, who is actually just an ordinary glamorous actress on the red carpet, but no matter what she does everyone assumes she’s a superhero based on her dress, so she’s stuck pretending to be Electra von Disco, and claims that her dress can blind everyone with its scintillating lights, and send sonic shock waves through the air, but it was really just a bad dress choice for the night.
Crap. We’re doomed.